This chair is really cold and breezy.
Wait!
You want me to do what? Without a diaper?
Big Game
I got the ball.
It’s mine.
I’m going for the pass.
And it’s up.
Another sweet catch.
Touchdown!
The big game made me tired.
It’s hard being an athletic superstar.
But when you are…..
You can afford to buy big game, like elephants
…..and take naps with them.
Siegfried and Roy? Whatever!
Back to School (….Where oh where did my break go?)
Seriously?
It’s time for school again.
I thought that break thing was permanent.
Uh mommy……I really think this tire is going to be lonely if I leave.
What? You don’t care?
Just give me a minute mommy. I need time with my tire.
Dear God, up in the sky…..my mommy doesn’t understand. Please give her the brains she needs. Also…..can you make sure my tire is safe during this cold time and is not too lonely when I am being made to go to school? Maybe you could do something, like make it super cold tomorrow so school is closed and I don’t have to leave my tire again. Just think about it. I know you are busy trying to fix my brothers and sister, but if you have time……. And…..don’t forget my mommy’s brains. I heard she lost her mind. That’s the word around the house. Please help with that too. Thanks God.
AMEN……
I’m ready, but I’m not happy.
And…..Are you sure you’re taking me straight to school? My left hand is tucked into my coat again. You aren’t going to take me to the corner to get money again………are you?
Be honest mommy. I might need to pray again.
(UPDATE: Thanks for making it super cold. School is closed tomorrow.)
(Regifting) Drinking and Driving: Uncool For All Ages
Let’s see what’s happening on Facebook tonight.
It shouldn’t be hard to find a cool place to go since everyone posts
their location so burglars can rob them while they’re out.
Okay…..So my drink should fit right here.
As long as it’s in the Sippy cup, I’m good.
What the hellicoptor!
Where did those other cars come from?
I better call for help or something.
I wonder if my daddy is up?
24-hour tow my hiney!
I didn’t know I had to wait 24 hours.
I’m outta here.
Wait….This doesn’t seem right.
I’ll just “drunk-milk-dialed” my ex for the 50th time.
You’re locking me up for this?
It was skim milk! I have poor balance!
Have you met my family??
Sammy the Elf pays Justice a visit.
What is that? Who is here? What do I see?
It’s a strange little boy looking back at me.
Are those pants? Are those legs? Is it a suit?
How do you potty? How do you toot?
You frighten me with your strange lack of parts.
I can’t trust a dude who doesn’t fart.
Sammy: I’ve been thrown and I can’t get up.
I’m not leaving this tree. That kid’s too rough.
Stuffing and Stuff
I know you missed me. I’m sorry.
We took a break for the stuffy-stuff holidays. You know….the day to stuff your face and then all the stuff that comes after you stuff your face to celebrate getting stuff. And I’m really scared of Fridays now. At least one of them. I didn’t know we had a crazy shopper day. Some traditions are really silly. Mommy and daddy kept me home safe.
Well….You didn’t miss too much.
Here I am taking a pre-nap before I eat my Thanksgiving meal. It must have helped because I was moving fire after I ate. I think mommy called it “hell on wheels”. Whatever!
Then I went outside to play with my shadow.
Then I talked to a tree.
Then I played football with my brother. I let him think he tackled me.
Moving on to some Christmas decorating. I’m helping my sister with the tree. See me making that wood garland dance? I should be a snake charmer.
Okay……Maybe I’m not exactly helping her.
Yeah….I didn’t like where she put that.
Oh my goodness. Are you seeing these powers?
Look at that throw. Look at the garland standing up in the air. I really need to go to Vegas and have my own show.
Looks like it’s back to the business of decorating. She’s so serious.
Wait! Is she judging me? I can feel her eyes on me. Clearly she’s close-minded. Garland can go vertical.
Look at that. Almost perfect.
Oh good. There’s more. I don’t want this spot to look bare.
So……Sorry if you missed me. I’m still in school. I don’t see myself dropping out yet. I still eat, drink, sleep, poop and wreak havoc on my family. But….you might not be seeing my handsome face every day or even every other day. Times are getting crazy and between you and me…I think my mommy is becoming a slacker. Seriously….She stays home….How busy can she be?
Hoops With My Homey
So…..Here’s a little taste of what I did yesterday after speech therapy. And my therapy…….I rocked it by the way, saying all kinds of cool things like pop, bubble, ball and beep beep. I also signed the word play.
I know. I know. Don’t hate!
Well…..mommy and daddy took me to play. Here’s a nibble.
My Day On Social Media
Okay…..Let’s see what’s going on with the internet today.
What? Mommy and her friends are trying to be cool making duck-lip selfies. Old people are crazy!
I can do better.
How you like them duck-lips?
I just laughed so hard I farted.
“Here’s a list of things you may not know about me.”…..What kind of status is that? If people wanna know things they ask. Someone’s trying too hard.
Oh snap! Miley Cyrus bleached her eyebrows.
HAHAHA….. I’m gonna pee myself. I never knew a daddy ripping up newspaper was so hilarious.That baby is going bonkers.
Oh no she didn’t!
Now how do I make that smiley face thing? I just don’t understand how people make all those crazy symbols. I’m so behind with technology.
What? There’s an event I wasn’t invited to?
I see the pictures! You can’t deny it happened.
And…Why won’t you ever like my Facebook status???
I so hacked my sister’s account. This is gonna be awesome.
And…..
I’m defriending you and you and you….well…I’m blocking you.
Hmmmmm. I might have to rethink my political allegiance.
She’s fixing THAT for dinner??!! YUCK!” I don’t believe for five seconds her kids liked it like she said. Maybe the doggie did.
Mugshots: Fall 2013
Day: 41: I got my school pictures today.
We don’t need all the words today. Isn’t a picture supposed to be worth a lot of them anyway? And….I’ve got three of them.
So….That’s a lot of a lot of words.
Dudes need action! (Day: 40)
After missing time for being sick……I had to go back to school today. We had pancakes for lunch so that was pretty cool. What was even cooler…..my mommy and daddy brought me and my wife to the park.
Here I am swinging with the ball and chain. We were having a good time….at first. Then she started talking about wanting new clothes and why don’t I have a job.
I was sinking deeper and deeper into darkness. I just wanted to throw a toy at myself….over and over.
For a little bit…I thought about jumping from the swing….just to make it all stop.
Then I remembered I was a dude. And dudes don’t drop out of swings just because girls are hassling them. Dudes act crazy and find excitement.
I can’t drive…..so I decided to go fast on the slide instead.
Look at me! No hands.
Oh poopy! No one is here to catch me!
I can’t go rock climbing, but this looks easy.
Hmmm…..Not too bad.
Should my foot be on this bar or the one under it?
Shitake mushroom! Mommy! Daddy! I need a little help here.
LESSON OF THE DAY:
Be the dude that you are and don’t swing with your wife. It’s not as much fun as it might seem.
A Dose of Justice (...courtesy of my crazy mom) 