Rumor has it, one of my mommy’s favorite shows (Dexter) might be ending. Well…..I’m not sure why it’s okay to like someone who does bad things, but he doesn’t have the market on darkness or codes.
I have my own “Dark Passenger” that makes me go a bit mad. If someone eats all my Cheetos, changes my favorite channel, or tells me to go to bed…….well….I’m just saying……things can get ugly. But it’s because of important stuff like I just said, so I have a code too.
AND…..Unlike Dexter, I didn’t muck things up by getting married and having a kid. Well, maybe I did get married that one time (Click here for evidence of my possible nuptials.) Plus, he thinks he’s slick because he’s a blood splatter guy at the police department. BUT….I’m as adorable as heck. Who would ever suspect me?
CHECK OUT MY AUDITION REEL:
“Do I need a warning label or what?
You knew I’d snap if you touched my snacks.”
”Little pieces? I’m seeing why that makes sense now.”
“Holy macaroni. I hope that was a postmortem spasm.”
“Okay. I’m not allowed to use sharp objects….so….I’ll just have to keep patting him down until all the air comes out. Then he’ll fit.”
“Nothing to see here. I’m just taking the trash to the dumpster.”
Anyway…..If you’re listening Showtime, I think you could definitely replace Dexter with a new show. You should call it Justice or Just-Ice. Think about it. My agent’s name is Mommy. She’ll be waiting for your call.
So……I have a friend, a friend that happens to be a girl. Her name is Jules and she’s a super-cute blonde. I heard blondes have more fun, so I thought we would have a great time hanging out on our play date. BUT……I noticed some changes in our relationship.
You know, I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m 2.5 years-old and I’ve heard some things. Like, I know my mommy and daddy are married and now I’m wondering: Am I married too?
First of all: Did you miss me? I knew we’d make it back okay. And…..it was the same way we left, not by a rescue boat or plane. That would’ve been cool though.
Here we are…..so excited to leave. But why am I between two moving ships? I’m sure some disability protection act or something was really violated there.
One night we got to dress up a little and go to the dining room.
This is my mommy and daddy.
Daddy hates this picture, but mommy posts anything she doesn’t hate of herself. See those eyebrows? In the car, on the way to the ship, she started tweezing. She forgot to take off the old powder/pencil stuff she had on. She thought she had more eyebrows than she really did. How silly!
After…..she looked like a sleepover prank gone wrong (..or right). They don’t make toupees for brows, so she had to pencil them in. Why does she get to draw on herself and I can’t? Grownups are so funny!
These are my crazy brothers and my insane sister. They wish they were as cute and popular as me. It was like Cheers. Everybody knew my name.
(But where am I?)
Well…..The night before I partied an itsy-bitsy-bit too much with this pirate I met.He was really friendly. He must have tweezed his moustache away, because he drew on his face too.
I wasn’t up for dining in my fancy clothes the next night.
My mommy decided to record me dreaming last night. She was right outside my door and I didn’t even know it. Now she is using my blog to post my dream with the translation. One day……I will get my privacy!
Milestones are big news for kids, but especially kids with a disability. I don’t know why? It’s not like we are bionic or science experiments, but how cool would being bionic be? Too cool!
Anyway……I just started walking, but I’m pretty good at it. I feed myself with some mess and I’m deciding if I want to start talking or not. Basically, I’m the mysterious, hot dude outside the lunch room wearing a leather jacket. I’ll do what I want, when I want. NO peer pressure for me.
But…..I do have some stuff I’m pretty proud of that I want to share with you. I’m only 28 months old and I’m not trying to make anyone jealous, so I am sorry if I do.
dance on my back, on a bed, while laughing
determine if I look fat in my clothes without anyone’s help
drink from a big cup that has flowers on it … I’m secure in my manhood.
flush the toilet … I don’t use it yet, but I’m light-years ahead of kids 2-20 times my age on the flushing part.
create mathematically and architecturally amazing stool forts
use a flashlight to irritate the dog and entertain myself
point the finger at the guiltyparty …The blame game is a true childhood milestone that some never outgrow.
put the toilet paper back after ripping it out … It’s called redemption.
do the sidewinder grin, which is quite challenging … It’s actually the first step in learning ventriloquism.
use Cheetos to become a Sabertooth tiger
show my guns off for the ladies … We all know that is the most impressive milestone of them all.